Christmas Limericks

When Santa returned Christmas day,
He called all his elves just to say,
The reindeer, it seems
You’ve been feeding with beans
And they farted the whole fucking way.


On Christmas Eve bedtime came quick
I asked, “Can I give it a lick?”
She said with a giggle
“One just makes me wiggle.
But a few hundred might do the trick.”


Outside in the dark it was snowing
The fire in the fireplace was glowing
I fondled her breast
She said “Give it a rest.
Tonight, I just don’t feel like blowing.”


Mrs. Claus didn’t know what to do.
In September the baby was due.
Santa said with a shout,
“I always pulled out.
So tell me, which elf did you screw.”


I turned off the Christmas tree lights
Then stroked up her soft inner thighs.
She moaned, that’s right Hon,
And play with my bum,
The back door is open tonight”.


Her elf costume caused me to stare.
I asked if she looked as great bare.
She grinned, “we could see,
But that’s all it can be,
The playground is closed for repairs”.


On Christmas Eve, we went to bed.
I asked her to give me some head.
She said with a sigh,
I did that last night.
Use your tongue ‘cause it’s my turn instead.


Mrs. Claus, her problem was thorny.
On Christmas Eve, she was quite horny.
She grinned at St. Nick,
And said screw me real quick,
Or I’ll have all the elves do it for me.


Christmas Eve, she gave me a giggle,
And took off her thong with a wiggle.
She said, “I’m so hot,
I need screwed on the spot.
Now please don’t just stand there, come diddle.”


I was shopping for gifts at the mall
When a gal said she’d give me her all.
I thought she’d be great,
But she made my heart break.
Her slit was a cock and two balls.


The elves all were smiling with glee
For Santa was gone, don’t you see.
While he drove his sleigh,
Mrs. Claus stripped and lay,
To take them all on three by three.


She got naked and sat in her chair
In hopes that St. Nick would be there
He came down the flue
And said, “Damn, look at you.
I’ll be late, but who the hell cares.”


Santa came home and undressed,
Mrs. Clause wasn’t really impressed.
She said, “It’s your cock,
It’s too soft and it flops
Use your tongue.  That’s always the best.

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